Well I won't be doing that anytime soon...

My body was trying to tell me something last night and did I listen. Nope. My stomach was in knots almost the whole time. I didn't belong there. There close and were not. I didn't feel like a third wheel. I just knew my place wasn't there with them. Talking about other time when I wasn't there kinda made me feel weird. I could really laugh at some of the inside jokes because i wasn't there when they were thought up. It seems like you put on quite a show around her. Are you only yourself around me? Or is that a show as well? I went just to see how it would be. The three of us. Hanging out. It doesn't work. Not too mention I can see the way you look at her. It's the same way I look...at you. I'm not so naive my sorry eyes can see... You sure said it Paramore. I don't know. I really don't know anymore. About anything. Were too different. Things are the same in my perspective...bullshit. If things were the same i wouldn't have felt like i was going to barf while you too sat there laughing way too much. Like it was forced. I wasn't all bad but I won't be doing it again and I won't be putting in effort. But I'll stand on my porch and wait. I'll be pulling away.

Beach on Friday...can't come at a better time. Maybe I can get lost there. And never come back here. Sometimes I wish that. And damn my dreams for filling my head with fantasies.

"Thanks for hanging out with me."

I was there too you know...

I might have...

done something dumb.

I'm not really sure yet if it can be considered a good thing or a very bad thing.

I know part of the reason why i did this thing.

But now i'm afraid of being judged. And possibly yelled at.

In a way i feel like a hypocrite but at the same time he put the thought in my head.

Well that's not completely true. I've had the thought in my head for about a week now.

So we'll see how this turns out...I hope i made the right decision for once

Boy You Make Me Crazy

Sooo crazy.

So I'm going to recap what you said....

You want someone who likes to communicate

You want not just a physical relationship

You want someone who likes the same things as you.

That's not that hard to find if you just look in front of you...

and now were suddenly not okay?

Snappy!! i'll show ya snappy... but for petes sake this is bs...

god i hope i get my tessa time tm...it's long overdue

it seems like as the year go an they get worse...not better.

They say...

What people don't know won't hurt them, right?

Wrong, that is all wrong.

What people don't know won't hurt but at the same time they really don't want to know what's going on.

They would rather live in the illusion that everything is okay.

Because when everything is okay there is nothing to worry about.

I've lived in the illusion but here is some simple math that everyone should know...

Closed door + Loud music = a lot of crying that someone doesn't want you to know about.

Yes there are exceptions but for the most part this is accurate.

Trust me i know.

I have no idea how many times i did this when i was in grade school, middle school and high school. And unfortunately even today.

I'm not happy with life right now.

It happens.

I need a purpose i need a reason to wake up in the morning instead of laying in bed all day.

I don''t want to become like her.

It scares me more then anything in this world.

anyone that ever said i'll be here...isn't

It really busts my ass that i was there for them. Whenever, wherever.

I guess that's the way of the world...

I don't think...

I'm supposed to have friends...i know how that sounds but it's true.

They either just stop talking to me or things just get in the way.

Whether it's my fault or their fault i don't know.

But just once i thought things were going to be different but then i knew it was bound to happen and it is again.

Of course this is being made out to be my fault. which it partly is.

"can you honestly say you have never questioned being friends with me. Not once."

if he says no he's lying. pretty much. means he has and im pretty sure i know when.

It can never be like it was before, why did i have to go and fuck it up!

I feel so stupid. I'm not mad at him, i'm mad at myself. I hate myself for what happened.

Don't tell me it's not my fault, it is.

I don't want to be a pain in the ass. I really don't.

I don't wanna cause you stress. Maybe i need to go away from you.

Why would you ask me how i messed up our friendship why would you make me say it!

I can't say it, i can't

This didn't help. i have a headache, my back hurts and i'm emotionally exhausted

So i'll find...

what lies beneath your sick twisted smile : )

had to start this one with lyrics because...on Feb 20th i'm going to see Breaking ben, Three days grace and Flyleaf!!! I'm so excited!!

but i picked these lyrics because what lies beneath his sick twisted smile is a guy i'm not too fond of.

So an average day for me is pretty boring but i had friends to look forward to coming here. Now not so much.

He just doesn't make me smile like he used to.

And that's okay, it's better then ok.

It's better this way.

To see you as i see the others, no more special treatment.

by the by that is a pic of how much snow we got...can't even see my feet : P

My friend...

Inspired me too do this

I call it. The type of guy i want: (because i don't wanna be single for another 3 years)

I want someone that can hold a conversation while looking at me and not my boobs. Someone who has ideas and wants to share them with me. Someone who asks "What do you think?" I like to give my opinions and i like when someone acknowledges the fact that i have an opinion. It's ok if we don't agree all the time because i'm willing to accept that not everyone feels the way i do. Someone who can see past all the things that are wrong with me and still love me. Trust me, i'm not that hard to get to know. I'm just shy at first. You have to be able to get along with my friends because they have been through a lot with me and you could learn from them. I love the littles things in life, i know everyone says that but i mean it. If i see a sunset, sun rise or a rainbow that looks awesome i will sit there and stare at it for a good 15 minutes. maybe even longer. You have to be able to do that too. He has to be willing to put up with sitting outside in the cold, watching the stars. Of course i'll keep you warm : ). I will probably take about a billion pictures with my guy, not too show off to people but too have and look back on. I know everyone says i won't change for a guy but i would. If they were worth it i would change and they would change with me. That's what relationships are about. Change. As you can tell i like to write or type a lot and as long as my guy doesn't have any problems with it they would be my inspiration. I always laugh when i see on myspace surveys "Would you rather have a one night stand or true love?" How can that even be a question? A night of meaningless sex or having someone to grow old with...someone to share your dreams with. Is there really any contest on what someone should want. Even if the sex was really good lol i would still choose to have someone to grow old with. Gotta love music, if i meet someone and i go to there house and i don't see a single cd or ipod laying somewhere...theres a problem. Oh and maybe someone who would on occasion bring me flowers and i'm not talking 12 dozen long stem roses i mean and dandelion from outside is ok with me. Remember little stuff counts. One thing i learned is waking up to "good morning texts" puts me in a really good mood. Waking up in someone's arms would be better but i would settle for a good morning text : ) Wow i sure can rant about stuff and i'm not done yet lol Gotta let me wear his clothes because guy hoodies are sooo comfortable. He has to get that when I'm mad that i'm not mad at him. Something might have ticked me off but just because i'm acting bitchy towards him doesn't mean it's him i'm mad at. I know that sounds complicated but i tend to take my anger out on the wrong people. Which causes more problems, i know. i'm working on not doing that. Has to love scrubs : D cause i do!!! Has to except me the way i am, because there is no way in hell i would ever change my body for a guy. yeah i like my body and i'm starting to like the way my ass looks in jeans : D Has to be around the same height as me, i'm not into shorties. I have a weird imagination, no joke i will see something and like picture it in my head happening a different way and just laugh out of nowhere lol. I do have guy friends and no i'm not interested in any of them. Some of them get out of hand i'm not going to name names *cough* Dylan *cough* Marcus. But they know there boundaries with me by now and if they don't my guy can kick there ass for me : D haha just kidding. Oh and if i meet a guy and he drops the "L" bomb after "knowing" me for a month, yeah your not hearing it from me. I put knowing in quotes because no one can know someone after only being with them for a month. It's just not possible to know someone that well, it takes time and lots of it. Which means lots of talking which i guess you can tell i like to do a lot. You notice through out this whole thing i did not mention once, has to be hot with nice muscles and a nice ass or have money and a nice car cause those things aren't important. Cuteness and Hotness is just a mask for some people. They seem like nice guys when really they aren't. I have to admit i'm a total sucker for a nice smile, because when someone smiles it just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. I would date a guy with a little meat on his bones because he could be the nicest guy i ever met. Wow i think i'm done...to recap what i just wrote

1.) Someone who likes to talk and doesn't mind sharing his opinions

2.) Someone who wouldn't mind watch the stars with me

3.) Someone who isn't looking for just a one night stand

4.) Brings me flowers and sends me good morning texts

5.) Likes to take lots and lots of pictures

6.) Can handle my mood swing and the fact that i have guy friends (none i'm interested in)

7.) Don't say i love you after knowing me for a month

8.) Nice smile : D

man i can type a lot when i'm in the zone lol

anyone know anyone fitting this description... or is that too much to ask for?